Article Published and written – Monday, June 21st, 2021. 10pm.
Trigger Warning:- This post might be triggering for some people and I do apologise in advance if it causes any further sadness, or grief. I encourage you to reach out for support, to a loved one, or to seek professional help, if you need it. Thinking of you at this time. Please bear with me, as I am not feeling stronger to share my story, our journey to our longed for baby number 3.
Our journey with infertility with trying for Baby No 3 started this February in terms of fertility cycles, but of course a number of factors lead us to where we were this year in our journey.
First and foremost, unfortunately, I had experienced losses in early pregnancy, both in 2013 and 2014, a missed miscarriage and a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The ectopic pregnancy led me to lose my right tube. Sadly, I won’t be able to ever easily fall from my right ovary as it is near impossible, but apparently it is still somewhat possible for the other tube to pick up an ovulated egg. A big part of me is hoping and praying that one day, above all odds, that will happen and we will have a natural third miracle baby. xo We can only hope, but sadly, time is running out and I have not responded to IVF medication at all. I am known as a “poor responder” with a low AMH that is like my eggs are that of a 50 year old woman almost, sad to hear that at 36, not even 37, but these are the fertility cards which I have been dealt and I am so very incredibly grateful for what I do have with our boys. 🙂
In these few short months, I have undergone two failed IUI cycles and now two IVF cancelled cycles. I sadly did not even make egg-pick up as I only grew one follicle and who is to know for sure if there is an egg inside that follicle, let alone an egg that will survive egg pick and the 5 day fertilisation and growth process in the lab… As many of you will know, IVF is not cheap. In Australia it can be anywhere from 10-15K a cycle. That is a lot of money, especially when society is going through a global pandemic… so we with the advice of our fertility doctor (who is incredible by the way) decided to cancel the cycle. The plan was to give ourselves one last shot, which would mean the highest of IVF meds possible. Still, no luck. Both cycles, along with the IUIs were utterly heartbreaking… they literally have taken me to a dark place… A place where I wonder, why us…? 🙁 I have to have faith this is our fate. As hard a pill as it is to follow. Don’t get me wrong, I am so, so incredibly grateful for our two sons, but does it make it any easier? In all honesty, not really. I know that some families aren’t blessed with any children and my heart breaks for them, but when you have your heart and soul set on something so much and try and hope and wish that it will happen, and then you are left with no alternative but a miracle, it is truly and utterly heartbreaking… there really is no other words for it. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, it truly is.
I wish that I could understand why this has happened to us and why my AMH is so low. Is it from the surgeries which I had to remove Stage O Cervical Cancer in 2019? The phone tower that was above our old apartment where we slept for many of our fertile prime time years? …. Or is it just plain old bad luck… I don’t think I will ever really know but I’ve questioned so many things, vaccines which I was meant to have protection for, lifestyle choices (which I’ve always been a non-smoker and not a big drinker), everything comes into play in your mind, and you know what, I believe it’s natural and normal to feel all of these things, after all – we are human.
A few weeks on, I’m still sporting a bruise on the right lower side of my swollen belly near my right ovary. I have always said, left for luck, but in a cruel twist of fate, the one follicle was on my right side, so there was no real point proceeding with IUI. Did I mention that when you have a failed IVF cycle that you also have a failed fertility bill from the clinic that comes with that? Another blow to the family budget but at the end of the day, it’s just money and you can’t put a price on growing life and giving it your best shot possible. xo
So, where to from here might you ask? Ladies and gentleman who are reading this and following along on our journey, that is the million dollar question… I will still need a hysterectomy due to having AIS cells in my cervix in 2019 and when the time comes, my chance at baby number 3 truly will be forever lost, but until then, I hope and pray. xo
If you and your partner are currently on this journey, or if you are on this journey on your own, or with a surrogate, please know that you are not alone. I have met some wonderful ladies who have been through a similar journey and some people are very lucky and do get their happy ending of a positive pregnancy test and a beautiful bundle of joy to forever treasure and nurture for life at the end. Sadly, not everyone is as lucky. I am grateful to have a supportive psychologist, husband, family and close friends. I hope that you will feel just as supported too. There are also some wonderful online support groups and your fertility clinics has access to counsellors which you can take advantage of throughout your journey.
Written from the heart, by our Gracefully Magazine Editor, Rachael Elizabeth Tickner. #fertility #awareness #ivf #iui #australia #infertility #miscarriage #ectopicpregnancy #earlystagecervicalcancer